The sick, talking lady on my bus way home

There's a sick, talking lady
On my bus way home.
She's looking kind of shady,
Like a very drunk gnome.

And she's breathing on my neck.
What the heck, what the heck?

Her throat is totally sore
But that sure is no stopper.
I've never seen it before,
Her mind has gone popper.

And she's coughing on my neck.
What the heck, what the heck?

She doesn't stop complaining
She says she's getting old
She says she's really sick
'Cause she's got this winter cold

And she's sneezing on my neck.
What the heck, what the heck?

We got stuck in a traffic jam,
I suffered for the longest one hour.
I just don't know who I am!
I feel my brain is going to sour.

And she's burping on my neck.
What the heck, what the heck?

As you can imagine, I got a new episode
Regarding public transportation.
This kind of stuff is not meant to bode
Well on my stupid reputation.

She was driving me crazy
Her head I wanted to pluck
So I turned around to her and said:
"Lady, WHAT THE F***?"

I am just too embarrassed to write what I experienced today in portuguese. However, before I finish this I feel that I need to write something in my mother tongue.
At least something original.
Obstipação.
There you go.